$$

I have been getting a solid 3 days work for the last couple of months.
They know my intention is to move permanently back to Newcastle.
They know I am renting down there.
They know I just got a car and have car insurance.
They know I travel back and stay with my parents to work for them.
they know I have been looking for work.

Why the fuck have they rostered me on for 6 hours per week for the next 3 weeks?
What the hell did I do wrong?
Thats $120 a week.
My rent is $100.
I could run my car for $20, I put $20 fuel I might get to muswellbrook and back (just) but then I have no money for bus/train to uni or food.

So now I have to ask my parents for money again.
I did not want to do this.
I had it all planned.
The Big O, Groovinthemoo.
Party Time.

Mum and I were arguing in the car last night. I havent been putting in enough effort in getting work. I didnt know work was going to do a dodgy on me. Ive applied online for stuff, handed in resumes around my house at servo's. She went on about something like I shouldnt think from cambridge wednesday to music festival to cambridge wednesday then back again. Its what I do, I festival hop as much as my bank balance allows, I dont have any other hobbies. I dont want any other hobbies. I dont think I will find anything that ever gives me as much joy as music and the atmosphere it creates. I enjoy life. Apparently because I dont talk about the not fun things, I dont even think about them. I do think about them. All the fucking time. I am always thinking about money and how much I will have for here or there. I cant really remember the conversation, I was tired.

Work had been consistently reliable with shifts. I never heard a bad word about my work.
I would have at least appreciated a little heads up so I knew. Fuck.

yesh.

so i dont know how long its been.
i cant really remember much.
it feels like all i ever do is drive, work and booze on. uni starts next week.

shit went hectic on wednesday night, we were going to go see bag raiders at the uni, i had to pay $10 to get in cause i havent got my student card. i was already being crazy because it was a year since my nan went in to hospital so i spent some time crying in the bathroom being emo. we got to the station then i changed my mind then people didnt want to buy tickets then i cried some more because rhys ran off somewhere. i felt like it was all my fault. it was, a bit. if id just kept my trap shut. so we went back. Mr Cakes was upset because it was the last wednesday of summer and we werent happy because his last summer was so shit- this was my fault. then Wine and Mr Cakes started talking about stuff and were raising there voices at each other and it was some pretty heavy shit. so then i started crying and yelled at them. i also yelled at Rice on the way home too, about summer and how shit it actually is. when Wine passed out on the floor and i went to the pub. it was pretty dead. i was wasted. so i hung out. smoked a million cigarettes. made out with steve cause im a drunk hussy. makes me laugh when im drunk. good kid. brought him back to my place. we drank goon and went to the servo for more ciggs. then stayed up talking about random shit. the only thing missing was the noodles. he always used to make me noodles, listen to me crap on about shit then put up with me passing out in his bed. woke up. hangover.

it was a weird night.
very... emotional. usually i only have happy emotions.
i got my $3 vodka raspberry.

Last night was much, much better.
Went for more goon. Rainbow was over! She called in sick, the sly dog. I miss her soso much. Stomp and Vege came down from the brook. Much goon and more than a few cones ensued. We watched american dad and listened to some tunes. pretty sure "sexy boy" by Air is one of y favourites. Apparently Mr cakes felt down because i told him to be quiet. He probably was being loud. I dont really remember now. I have a problem where stuff comes out in a sarcastic tone and i dont mean it too. Or I just have no tone at all. I must work on that.

Soundwave was amazing. Chiodos was amazing. The feeling I got from walking past all those sniffer dogs with nothing on my was amazing. Every Time I Die were amazing. Valium is amazing. Salut vodka lemon and lime was amazing.

ciao.

weekend.

was good.

saturday/sunday
-finished work @ 10ppm
-chickon Mignon @ 12am
-roast and marinated porkribs @4am
-horrid porn, which was obviously a 27 year old gaptoothed crack addict pretending to be a teen with pigtails and joggers on. She loved the cock but. Was funny.
-cabanossi
-police uniform
-triple j
-jatz
-beef jerky
-nearly a pack of cigarettes
-reading zoo to the boys in my not so sassy/sexy voice
-bed @ 7, up at 9 to work for 6 hours.

Good times.
We all got cards, my said-
"Codename: TANK GIRL
Director of Drug and Experimental Research Division
Head Feild Officer"

So as you could imagine I was well chuffed with mine.

Pashing boys and Lighting Fires.

Last night I dreamt I met Craig Owens.
I think I pashed him.
Happy Valentines Day or happy hallmark day!
I remember at school we used to be able to send a flower to someone and then on friendship day we could too. Its always been a bit of a non event for me. Maybe I care? I don't stress over the fact I am single and have spent most of my life this way. In fact, its much easier being single out of school than in school. It seemed like every second question was "Who do you like?" or "You got a crush on anyone?". Is it really that hard to believe that I didn't have a crush on anyone. I found none of the neolithic males at my school remotely attractive? I'm 15 for christs sake, show me a book where it says I have to like someone every second of my life for the next 5 years? I had friends who always had boyfriends, they boy-hopped so to speak. I guess it made them happy.
Growing up in a country town doesnt give one much interesting fodder to chew on.

Of course, its much harder now to even think about it. Perhaps if I had gotten all this self conscious bullshit out of my system in my youth (HAHA) then it would be easier. You see with school, some one always knows someone else, who knows someone else so you can get the dirt on who ever it may be so you have a small idea of what your getting yourself into. Out of school you meet people. Lots of people. And it works differently. The way relationships start, evolve.
Think about it.
It does.

Oh well.
As angsty as this could sound.
Its not ment to be.

.............................................................................................................

I hope its raining in Victoria at the moment. They need it. I cry every time its on the TV or when I read about it in the paper.
Its hard to believe its long a 10 hour drive from my house? Maybe a little more.
Such a waste of life.
And the animals?
The poor darlings.
Whole families.

Life is precious.

And think about it, what is Valentines Day compared to life and living?
Nothing really.

crystal castles.

Monday night was the wildest, most random, wonderful night of my life.

Caught the train to sydney.
Met more friends down there.
Star Bar had $3.50 so I had a few.
Saw Crystal Castles, it was amazing.
The Metro was packed. You honestly could not move.
It was insane.
When I figure out how to upload photos I will.
Went back with a friend to some random peoples house in Newtown.
Got sufficiently more off my face than I already was.
I spent the next day thinking to myself "what the fuck did I do last night?"
I know very well what I did.
I don't regret it.
Please note: Just to save my already failing grace I didnt have a blood orgy or a general pants round, roll on the ground orgy. I am afraid nothing as wicked as that happened.
I just managed to fry my brain in more ways than one.
Its not like these people were heaps seedy either, they weren't uncomfortable to be around, they were just genuine, honest people who loved to party and share experiences with other people. We chilled, mucked around and smoked about 4 packets of cigarettes between the 5 of us. It was fun.
It felt like one of those moments in movies were someone goes out and ends up at this party afterwards with people they dont know. Its just not as hectic as the movies were people get stabbed or raped after they take a cocktail of drugs and then shit hits the fan. It almost felt like a "Skins" moment. After all, we had seen Crystal Castles that night.
Then we left in the morning after not sleeping a wink. Waited for the bank to open. Got money. Caught train to Central Station and then to Newcastle again. I walked around all morning with one shoe off and my toe poking out the end of my stocking. People were looking at us funny. We thought they were funny.
I truely am thankful I met those people. Its weird to say. Yet I really am.
Slept on the train.
Home at 1.30pm.
Slept till 9pm.
One hell of a day.





Wont ever forget it though.

DMT.

DMT- dimethyltryptamine

Amazing.

hello blogger: take 2

Yes, it seems to be the current trend.
Having a blog.
Why not give it another go? There is no harm in it.
I had one from about halfway through year 11 to year twleve.
Then I deleted the bitch.
BAM!

I will gladly jump on any bandwagon that allows me to sit on my fat arse in front of a computer.

I didnt even know what to call myself.

My mum has a blog, she and and an extended group of friends all post and comment one another.
Oh, wow, how exciting.

Just so you know, I am not all that literate. I have very poor grammar and have horrible spelling sometimes. I will probably sound bogan. I try to avoid doing smiley faces. God help me if I try to post when I'm intoxicated.

Yes. Beware.

Only problem is, whilst I love writing I have a few qualms.
I am not used to talking abut myself.
Oh, I talk about myself but I dont really talk about myself.

So I believe this will turn into a mishmash where its up to you to sift the gold from the dirt.