lurkin.

so there are all these kiddies I who ive crossed paths with who have blogs (i discovered this when trawling the blogger just now). i was like "aww cool!" because i like reading about other people. its interesting. i go to hit the follow button then im like "woah what if they think im a weirdo or something when we hardly know each other?" then im thinking "what if they read my blog and decide things about me which i wouldnt like and do i really want people to know what i do?" Do I? At least I dont I do. maybe i do. i think i just want people to understand.
hang on a second, i then think "my life really isnt all that and more. they wouldnt read it anyway. why on earth would i think they would care anyway. its not like we really know each other. why should i care what people think?"
so i hit the follow privately button ... hahaha suckers!
i'll never tell.

if you havent seen the movie Hard Candy, you should watch it. Its a spin out.

6.48am

i should be asleep. really, i should. im too afraid i will sleep through my alarm. i really am that tired.
i have to drive to muswellbrook today to work. ive spent the morning talking to someone i dont know on msn and downloading tunes.
my neck is sore. i miss having coloured hair. pink hair to be exact. i will keep burning this candle at both ends for the moment. 2 weeks left at muswellbrook. two weeks. thank fucking god. ive smoked way to many cigarettes since three am when i brought my packet.
might go buy a V or four. i really am just too afraid to sleep. i dont know where my actual alarm clock is. the phone doesnt suffice anymore. i know i would wake up... because i have too. i am just afraid i wont. its irrational really. i go out all night, set my alarm when the suns rising and go to work. once i didnt get home till 6.30am, slept for two hours, then got up and drove to muswellbrook to work. I got home at 3am this morning and dont start till 4pm so i dont have to leave till 2. this is so stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid.
i dont even want to go.

current eargasm's include but are not limited to:
raindrops- basement jaxx
ive got friends- manchester orchestra
sticks n stones- jamie t
heart- bertie blackman
the girl and the robot- royksopp
counterpoint- delphic

as you can see, alot of jjj at the moment.
i have no computer.
the only shit i have on cd is amity, underoath, these arms are snakes and chiodos.
this will not do. i need my dance gavin dance.
maybe its time for me to purchase an album.
or download it all again.
or rape someones hard drive.
thats it. im putting an mp3 player on laybuy for myself. this simply will not do!

where she stops no body knows

work. drive. work. sleep. lost 100 dollars rent money after i left my wallet on the top of the car and drove away. work. drive. sleep. work. drive. sleep. giving the pub a rest. people ended up at our house after the pub and when we asked then to leave they started abusing us and kicking the door. talked to the police on acid. his face was a deep dark hole. work. sleep. drive. handing in resignation at servo today. made 25 duckets in tips on friday night. have started uv light therapy for my psoriasis. the thing that weighs you in my bathroom works again, i cannot remember what its called. the weighy thingy. i am sick. swine flu or common cold. who knows? my body is tired. called in sick at the servo today. worked at domino's instead. i am very lucky to work with some wonderful people. have all these things i wanted to go to. deerhunter, earth crisis and amity. i fear i havent the funds for any. am sposed to go to manning point with old school friends. i cannot afford to go away for a week. a whole week. i have to save up 200 rent money before i even start saving for the trip itself. i dont have a salary. i am a casual. i work hard for my money and its going to drop after i quit the servo too. i dont think i want to be away from my house that long either. i like my house. its a weird feeling. this attachment. Rainbow said if i bring her we can go halves in accomodation and only stay for like 3 days. i think this is a brilliant idea. i dont know if the others would like it though. i dont know if they want her there. if they would give her a chance. shes my best friend. i wasnt even sposed to tell her about it last year. its so juvenile really. time for another cigarette. i ate way to much pizza. i wish my computer worked. i borrow Rice's but its a pain in the arse cause i come on at horrible times like now. 3.30am. i hardly ever make use of the internets i am paying for. if my pc worked i totally would. mass downloading would ensue. as busy as i am, i am enjoying most things. lifes not easy but its definately interesting. i love living out of home and i love my friends. i hope that by quitting the servo i will be able to spend time with relatives and friends who i havent seen much like my cousins jenni and shell. i want to reconnect and touch bases with some old friends i haven't seen in the last couple of months. im trying to make new friends and get out of my comfort zone. its awfully difficult because 1) i am neither here nor there most of the time and 2)I am good at meeting people but not as good at making solid friends, i dont want to be too imposing or too keen/full on which probably makes me seem not as interested, i am terribly shy too which doesnt help and 3)i am either, atm, working or in the upper hunter. with one job, sure i will be busy but i will be able to do more things down here.
yes.

when the rabbit suddenly pulled out a pocket watch

I am sick today.
Crazy couple of days.
Got home at 12am wednesday night/thursday morning, my mum slept over, I went out to the pub for a look and shit. Ended up dumping a tab and a half, post pub at 3.30am. Went from hamilton to shortland and back to mayfield with a close friend of mine, Stop/Start. Tore up my throat with marlboro reds. Had an amazing time. Slept or was in a tunnel for about an hour, I dont really know which. Get to my house and the edges of my sight were still being licked by lsd. Got eviction letter from real estate at 10.30. Started work at 11am. Started freaking out. Was a mess at work. Get home and everythings ok again. Marijuana. Slept. Coughed. Sniffled. Sore throat. Slept. Worked. Slept. Everythings going to be fine.
Going to quit the service station.
Soon.
Sick of travelling.
Newcastle is my home.

Bunny

If I ever get a boyfriend and if he manages stick around for a while he can call me Bunny.
Not bunny boo or something, just bunny.
Its one of those "pet names". According to "romance class- learn to love online", "pet names are a part of the "language of love" that a couple builds, it is the cute nicknames or pet names the two create for each other. They are the soft terms of endearment that are whispered at the end of an evening, or chuckled during a phone call."
- angel, angel heart, baboo, baby, babydoll, cutiepie, cuddlecakes, doobie (HAHAHAHA), honey, loverboy/girl, muffin, pookie, stud muffin, sweetcheeks.
I dont know why I like this idea of being called bunny.
"Hey Bunny" "Want a cigarette Bunny?" "how are you Bunny?" " I love you Bunny" "Come on Bunny, we have to go in 5" "You're beautiful Bunny"
Its something we would share. No one else can ever call me Bunny.
Bunny.
I usually laugh at people who use such words in reference to a loved one. Sometimes it makes me feel rather sickly.
Yet here I am ranting about how I want to be called Bunny.
Maybe its because its the beginning of winter and its cold now, so the need to find a human size hotwater bottle is more urgent.
I will blame it on this wonderful weather. Snuggling under blankets weather. Cup-o-soup weather. Beanie and bum gloves weather. Long, hot shower weather. Stay in weather.
Warmth. It all has to do with warmth.
Everything.

ponstan

we have the nets at my house now.
hooray.
its easier to be honest with my self than everyone else. its always been this way.
people are their worst critic.
i am growing tired of the weekly treck to muswellbrook to work 3 shifts at the servo. the money is brilliant and i get to see my friends and family but newcastle is my home. i want to be there 24/7 instead of back in muswellbrook.
there are several things i do not like about the town. mostly, its "small town syndrome". people spend more time talking about others than themselves. its like a bigger, nastier version of high school in someways.
in muswellbrook people know me as that weird girl who has the crazy/pink hair at the bogas. i never rated much of a mention when i was at school. finished school then i piss bolted to newcastle.
then apparently i got "drug fucked", or at least thats what was said in muswellbrook. if any one really wanted to know what was going on, they just could have asked.
i moved back so i can save money and get well again. i didnt save any money. i spent it on piss, cigs, petrol and drugs. I am a class-a human being i tell you. in fact, after moving back, i even scored myself a rumour. how sweet is that! people know piss all about me then go and believe this jerk that i had sex with him. on my first weekend back too. i was so cranky when i got home i had the shakes, mum noticed (might have been too much alcohol too haha). i knew the moment i walked out that it didnt matter if something had happened, everyone would assume so anyway.
i also hate the way the sporting "elite" of the town are put on a pedestool by others which seems to increase their headsize but unfortunatly not their brain size.
i hate their pack mentality.
i hate them.
in general- cunts.
there i said it.
cunt. cunt. cunt. cunt. fuck you, you cunt.
and in other news-
i think the weirdest things sometimes.
when i drive i pretend i have lasers on my car and i am shooting other cars if they piss me off.
i talk to myself alot.
my mum just gave me ponstan for when i have period pain.
/rant

Effect and Cause

Lifes never been crazier,

Yet its never been better.