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Saturday, April 25, 2009
Friday, April 24, 2009
being a big fat emo.
1) I wish that I liked myself more.
2) I wish my psoraiasis would go away. Disgusting.
3) I wish I was thinner and smaller and prettier in general.
3) I wish Wine could see how wonderful he is.
4) I wish I had more money.
5) I wish I was more charismatic.
6) I wish I was better at making new friends.
7) Sometimes, I wish a good night out didnt involve the things it did.
8) I wish I coud drop one again and be soaring. Not 2 or 3.
9) I wish I had more clothes.
10) I wish my stomach would stop rumbling.
11) I wish I had you back. Self esteem.
12) I wish I could go out sober and not freak out and have a fun time.
13) I wish I could go back and hug you bye. I wish that alot.
14) I wish I liked you.
15) I wish I wasnt so unfocused.
16) I wish I had more drive to suceed and make something of myself.
17) I wish I could write again.
18) I wish I didnt think so much.
19) Sometimes, I wish I was a different person.
Potential, I think we start losing potential the moment we start to judge and depreciate ourselves or when others do this for us. I am not pointing fingers. I wont do anything about this. My mother tries, she tells me I used to be such a vibrant child, a leader. I wanted to do things, I achieved, I wasn't exceedingly clever or an elite sportsman, I was an all rounder. I used to take pride in things I did. I didnt get intimidated easily. I wasnt as scared of failing.
The thing is, I enjoy my life so so much. I have the best friends anyone could as for and my family is supportive to the bone. I enjoy being here.
Its confusing, I cant get the words out right. I dont want to come of sounding sorry for myself. It sounds that way though. I make sure people think I am ok. I look after others. I dont get looked after. I dont want to be looked after. My friends health and happiness is more important than mine, with out them I dont really have anything to give.
There are things I do like about myself and my life. I like that I care. I like that I have so much love for everyone. I have been told I care to much. I care more for others. And I like that I can drive.
Bah, Im just a little on edge at the moment.
its nothing really, this happens all time. usually when I am by myself.
its cyclic.
Really, with highs like mine there have to be some lows in there to level this bitch out.
2) I wish my psoraiasis would go away. Disgusting.
3) I wish I was thinner and smaller and prettier in general.
3) I wish Wine could see how wonderful he is.
4) I wish I had more money.
5) I wish I was more charismatic.
6) I wish I was better at making new friends.
7) Sometimes, I wish a good night out didnt involve the things it did.
8) I wish I coud drop one again and be soaring. Not 2 or 3.
9) I wish I had more clothes.
10) I wish my stomach would stop rumbling.
11) I wish I had you back. Self esteem.
12) I wish I could go out sober and not freak out and have a fun time.
13) I wish I could go back and hug you bye. I wish that alot.
14) I wish I liked you.
15) I wish I wasnt so unfocused.
16) I wish I had more drive to suceed and make something of myself.
17) I wish I could write again.
18) I wish I didnt think so much.
19) Sometimes, I wish I was a different person.
Potential, I think we start losing potential the moment we start to judge and depreciate ourselves or when others do this for us. I am not pointing fingers. I wont do anything about this. My mother tries, she tells me I used to be such a vibrant child, a leader. I wanted to do things, I achieved, I wasn't exceedingly clever or an elite sportsman, I was an all rounder. I used to take pride in things I did. I didnt get intimidated easily. I wasnt as scared of failing.
The thing is, I enjoy my life so so much. I have the best friends anyone could as for and my family is supportive to the bone. I enjoy being here.
Its confusing, I cant get the words out right. I dont want to come of sounding sorry for myself. It sounds that way though. I make sure people think I am ok. I look after others. I dont get looked after. I dont want to be looked after. My friends health and happiness is more important than mine, with out them I dont really have anything to give.
There are things I do like about myself and my life. I like that I care. I like that I have so much love for everyone. I have been told I care to much. I care more for others. And I like that I can drive.
Bah, Im just a little on edge at the moment.
its nothing really, this happens all time. usually when I am by myself.
its cyclic.
Really, with highs like mine there have to be some lows in there to level this bitch out.
Friday, April 10, 2009
i love you
Yesterday It was a year since my beloved Nanna Sadie passed.
Little things set me off like finding something with her name or signature on it or random lines in songs.
It makes me sad that I'm back in newcastle and she's not here. I wonder whether my life would be different. I own alot of her things. Not a day goes by where something I am wearing belonged to her. I miss her dreadfully. She was my Nanna. The Matriarch of the family. My hero. My favourite relative. My favourite person in the whole world. It hurts, its still raw, as much as I pretend its not, it is.
I just wish she would come back. Tell me that she is proud of me, that she loves me, hug me and let me sit with her in her loungeroom reading Mills and Boon and drinking coffee with carnation milk and eating dark chocolate. We will make peanut butter balls and brownies. For dinner we will have macaroni cheese bake or spuds filled with baked beans. After tea we can watch television for a while, especially medical emergency/RPA and BBC shows. We will drink more coffee. Every week we will go shopping and you will buy things you will probably never wear just because. I will take you for drives around the lake. You will tell me stories about when you were young. It would be neat.
Really, all I want is a hug. A Nanna Sadie hug.
Its really not fair. I wish she would just come back. I will look after you. I will be better at everything. I will do more chores around the house and help you out. I just wish you could comeback.
I am greatful that I got to spend so much time with you.
It just feels like there is so much more you could have been here for. I dont know what but I wish you were here.
I dont even eat dark chocolate anymore.
I wish I dreamt of you.
Im so afraid I will forget the way you said my name.
I dont want to.
I dont want to forget you.
I dont think I ever can.
You are under my skin.
A part of me is you.
Little things set me off like finding something with her name or signature on it or random lines in songs.
It makes me sad that I'm back in newcastle and she's not here. I wonder whether my life would be different. I own alot of her things. Not a day goes by where something I am wearing belonged to her. I miss her dreadfully. She was my Nanna. The Matriarch of the family. My hero. My favourite relative. My favourite person in the whole world. It hurts, its still raw, as much as I pretend its not, it is.
I just wish she would come back. Tell me that she is proud of me, that she loves me, hug me and let me sit with her in her loungeroom reading Mills and Boon and drinking coffee with carnation milk and eating dark chocolate. We will make peanut butter balls and brownies. For dinner we will have macaroni cheese bake or spuds filled with baked beans. After tea we can watch television for a while, especially medical emergency/RPA and BBC shows. We will drink more coffee. Every week we will go shopping and you will buy things you will probably never wear just because. I will take you for drives around the lake. You will tell me stories about when you were young. It would be neat.
Really, all I want is a hug. A Nanna Sadie hug.
Its really not fair. I wish she would just come back. I will look after you. I will be better at everything. I will do more chores around the house and help you out. I just wish you could comeback.
I am greatful that I got to spend so much time with you.
It just feels like there is so much more you could have been here for. I dont know what but I wish you were here.
I dont even eat dark chocolate anymore.
I wish I dreamt of you.
Im so afraid I will forget the way you said my name.
I dont want to.
I dont want to forget you.
I dont think I ever can.
You are under my skin.
A part of me is you.
Its been a big month.
Uni drop out for the second time.
Second job- Pizza delivery
Have all the time but not the money to enjoy myself, I have a spankin' good go at it though.
Its been interesting. Near nakedness seems to be a new theme. Boogey hole and post cambridge spa's at Joker's. I have made 2 wonderful new friends- Watwat and Joker, through a wonderful chick, Stop/Start who I spent like 8 hours running round Fat As Butter handing hands with. I work with them all!
Leopard Print and I at the Cambridge on a wednesday.
My favourite day of the week- $3 Vodka raspberries. You get your real good nights out then you get the real dud ones. Lately its been about 50/50 but considering I hardly ever spend money when I am out (maybe $15 max)its been pretty ok. I just get loaded before I go anywhere and its all sweet. The pubs a 10 minute walk from my house! Friends usually come get crunk with us before the pub because of our central location and divine company hahahaha its a party house. We always have no loo paper on thursdays and its a bit of a mess.
I went to Hot Damn a couple of weeks ago. It was ok, would have liked it more if my friends went, my little brothers friends are lovely its just I am not that good at conversation and any charisma I once possesed seems to have disappeared down the shitter. I dont like this 10 minutes no service business either, every time I went that sign was up, I swear. I drank goon on the way down. The high light was smoking a jay in Hyde Park. Ohh I'm so rebellious. I saw my friends Laura and Michelle, who I met at the AFI gig in 2006. I have seen them once again since then. I was so delighted to see them. I met Laura in the bathroom and we did the whole screaming girl thing hahaha so we got our dance on. Also- I dont like that shitty little balcony you can smoke on and the stairs are evil. The train homes a bitch. Its cold and annoying. You feel like shit. I was the last to get off the train so I ended up with Hrae's shoes and someones stockings. Its a long night. Might take more doobies next time.
Tweedle dee's 21st was amazing. For me anyway.
You know I am really off my face when I start mass cam whoring. I was tripping for hours. A real space
cadet I was. I had no depth/space perception, peoples faces where changing shape and I saw clocks and old wallpaper patterns (best way to describe it I guess) in the flooring. No sleep, then to work, then drove back to Newcastle.
Tweedle Dee had a splendid time, he cant even remember getting home. Some crazy shit went down and people got all cranky at one another. I knew what was going on, I figured it would sort itself out. I was in no state to argue anyway. I decided Daniel is my pokemon. Yes.
Although I am too lazy to fix/resize some photos, it was Stomp's 20th Birthday also, so we smoked way to many cones and drank too much goon and went to the cambo. I cannot remember much of it, tbh hehehehe
Before I start writing about my 20th birthday, I just want you to take note of these people in this photo. The boys are my housemates and the blonde is my very best friend, Rainbow. They really are soso special to me.
So, for my birthday we started partinging on Wednesday and went to the Cambridge. Thats all normal, here is the not normal bit- we actually brought peeps back to my house to keep partying. So many people. They were spread out through the house. We left the pub at 1am, the people dawdled of at about 4am. Then we played singstar. God I hate singstar, I pwn at it though. Spent what felt like hours talking to patty about turning 20 and life goals. Ha.
Awoke at 11am, took my new friend patty to work then home again. I open the door and RAINBOW was there! We share a birthday, its rather wonderful. She got her chest piece coloured. It looks sweet. Chilled Thursday then hit the shit after sundown. It was my birthday, I wasnt exactly the writhing heap I wanted to be but I put in a solid effort.
Watwat, Joker and some friends of theirs came over and we ended up in the spa at Joker's later on. It was fine wandering round in nothing but your underwear until people walked out that were clothed. Then it gets a little weird hahahaha
This is my little brother, he has been hanging my house being a couch monkey while he is home from QLD. He lik
es goon and beer, if I am smoking he tries to grab it or he asks for one so he can chuck it away so I dont smoke it. I spose its his lovely way of looking after me. He was there for a little of my birthday, not really his scene though.
My friends Alice and Samboy made me a wonderful scrapbook for my birthday. I am so impressed and I feel so lucky. Its beautiful :)
It was a good birthday indeed :)
Thats it till Groovinthemoo though, I need to save money for it. And my almost $200 dollar phone bill I got the other day.
Second job- Pizza delivery
Have all the time but not the money to enjoy myself, I have a spankin' good go at it though.
Its been interesting. Near nakedness seems to be a new theme. Boogey hole and post cambridge spa's at Joker's. I have made 2 wonderful new friends- Watwat and Joker, through a wonderful chick, Stop/Start who I spent like 8 hours running round Fat As Butter handing hands with. I work with them all!
Leopard Print and I at the Cambridge on a wednesday.My favourite day of the week- $3 Vodka raspberries. You get your real good nights out then you get the real dud ones. Lately its been about 50/50 but considering I hardly ever spend money when I am out (maybe $15 max)its been pretty ok. I just get loaded before I go anywhere and its all sweet. The pubs a 10 minute walk from my house! Friends usually come get crunk with us before the pub because of our central location and divine company hahahaha its a party house. We always have no loo paper on thursdays and its a bit of a mess.
I went to Hot Damn a couple of weeks ago. It was ok, would have liked it more if my friends went, my little brothers friends are lovely its just I am not that good at conversation and any charisma I once possesed seems to have disappeared down the shitter. I dont like this 10 minutes no service business either, every time I went that sign was up, I swear. I drank goon on the way down. The high light was smoking a jay in Hyde Park. Ohh I'm so rebellious. I saw my friends Laura and Michelle, who I met at the AFI gig in 2006. I have seen them once again since then. I was so delighted to see them. I met Laura in the bathroom and we did the whole screaming girl thing hahaha so we got our dance on. Also- I dont like that shitty little balcony you can smoke on and the stairs are evil. The train homes a bitch. Its cold and annoying. You feel like shit. I was the last to get off the train so I ended up with Hrae's shoes and someones stockings. Its a long night. Might take more doobies next time.
Tweedle dee's 21st was amazing. For me anyway.You know I am really off my face when I start mass cam whoring. I was tripping for hours. A real space
cadet I was. I had no depth/space perception, peoples faces where changing shape and I saw clocks and old wallpaper patterns (best way to describe it I guess) in the flooring. No sleep, then to work, then drove back to Newcastle.Tweedle Dee had a splendid time, he cant even remember getting home. Some crazy shit went down and people got all cranky at one another. I knew what was going on, I figured it would sort itself out. I was in no state to argue anyway. I decided Daniel is my pokemon. Yes.
Although I am too lazy to fix/resize some photos, it was Stomp's 20th Birthday also, so we smoked way to many cones and drank too much goon and went to the cambo. I cannot remember much of it, tbh hehehehe
Before I start writing about my 20th birthday, I just want you to take note of these people in this photo. The boys are my housemates and the blonde is my very best friend, Rainbow. They really are soso special to me.So, for my birthday we started partinging on Wednesday and went to the Cambridge. Thats all normal, here is the not normal bit- we actually brought peeps back to my house to keep partying. So many people. They were spread out through the house. We left the pub at 1am, the people dawdled of at about 4am. Then we played singstar. God I hate singstar, I pwn at it though. Spent what felt like hours talking to patty about turning 20 and life goals. Ha.
Awoke at 11am, took my new friend patty to work then home again. I open the door and RAINBOW was there! We share a birthday, its rather wonderful. She got her chest piece coloured. It looks sweet. Chilled Thursday then hit the shit after sundown. It was my birthday, I wasnt exactly the writhing heap I wanted to be but I put in a solid effort.
Watwat, Joker and some friends of theirs came over and we ended up in the spa at Joker's later on. It was fine wandering round in nothing but your underwear until people walked out that were clothed. Then it gets a little weird hahahahaThis is my little brother, he has been hanging my house being a couch monkey while he is home from QLD. He lik
es goon and beer, if I am smoking he tries to grab it or he asks for one so he can chuck it away so I dont smoke it. I spose its his lovely way of looking after me. He was there for a little of my birthday, not really his scene though.My friends Alice and Samboy made me a wonderful scrapbook for my birthday. I am so impressed and I feel so lucky. Its beautiful :)
It was a good birthday indeed :)Thats it till Groovinthemoo though, I need to save money for it. And my almost $200 dollar phone bill I got the other day.
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