so.

its been a while. Currently at my mothers house.

I've moved house. So far, so good. Everyones warm and friendly. My room is small and cute. Im only one person, how much space do I need? I dont have as many things either. Its nice.

I got the dreaded flu. Knocked me for six. I hate being sick. I feel horrible for not being at work. I know how difficult it can be when your down a staff member. I have this terrible work ethic which tells me "You must go to work, always". I dont understand how people can just call in sick so easily. How sick can you be? Are you dying? Elephant crushed your face?
I get sick alot, constant sniffles and hayfevers but I dont get ill. Not like this. Every time I cough its like I am trying to push sand up out my lungs. Its a constant annoyance. I am fatigued too. Its hardwork, this being sick business.

Because I havent worked, I have no money. Because I am sick I havent really left the house so I cant spend my non existant duckets anyway.

Things are changing. Things have changed.
Sometimes, its all very tiring.

christmas in july

So I told the house.
R1ce understands, like I knew he would.
Darkness doesnt like me one bit. Things have been said and things have remained unsaid. I will always have a place for you, if you will have me. That being said, I wont apologise for being selfish. I am not a selfish person by nature and god only knows this whole scenario has been painful. I have cried alot. Not anymore though. In the end I have to look out for myself.

Rainbow really is my best friend, I am so lucky to have her. She has been wonderful, I didnt want her to get stuck in the middle. I am sorry my decision had to effect others in such a negative fashion. I gave the information, it up to you how you wish to react.

I sit here, wide awake at 6am, surrounded by beautiful people. People who I really do love. Its amazing where the last few months have taken me. Beautiful places with beautiful people.

Ive learnt so much about friendship in the last couple of weeks. My own values have been reaffirmed, I count my blessings so much more and although it hurts, how people can let you down.

My friends are like christmas in july.

nothing wrong?

Quite the hectic past week. At least, internally.
Money Vs Bindii
Round 1398.
I have a lot to think about. Its hard. I want to, it would be so different, so out of my comfort zone. Its rather enticing. Part of me doesn't want to lose what I have now. I'm very comfortable at the moment. I could potentially save $50 dollars a week. That's a lot of money. If these pirates would take me in. I don't want to lose Darkness or R1ce. I hate to leave them, I dont want them to loathe me. It would hurt. Hurt to much.

:/

Life's horrid sometimes.

I am having a good go at it though. Finally.

67. 67. 67.

Ahwoo.

ratio's

I was never very good at ratio's in maths. I was never really good at maths in general but my spin to pot ratio is off. Im still figuring this out.

-Got hectic again.

Wednesday night.

We even ended up with a hole in the wall.

Its patched now.

I dont think I will ever not be a little bit mad about what happened.

Its made me think alot about how friends show and honour their love for each other. People have different values and expectations. It was confusing in high school because everyone used to fight and bicker between themselves over such little things. It seemed insane. The biggest for me was Mr Cakes and I, after I broke it off our friendship became messy and it took a while for things to right itself again because we had different expectations of what our friendship was to be. I got lucky with Rainbow, we talked about this today, we think that no one has a perfect friendship, things do get crinkled and need ironing and sometimes there will always be the tiniest crinkle that you cant get out but for the majority of the time it doesn't matter. You cherish the good times because in the end they out weigh the bad. And thats all that matters. You should be thankful of the beautiful memories a person has given you. After all, arent they the things you want to remember?

I am very glad to know the people I do, new and old.

I just feel so lucky.

achoo.

Shit hit the fan when I was at work.

Wine had been in a mood since waking, we know this because he slams doors and stomps up and down the stairs. Rainbow, Rice and I woke him up accidently this morning at about 7.30? We hadnt been to bed yet as Rainbow and I both had been working... Rainbow asked him what was wrong and he didnt really say. We cant get to the source of the problem if you dont talk about it.

Apparently when I was at work Rice and Wine had words. Now Rice tells me once he gets a job and saves some money he is moving out. I dont really like it when this sort of stuff happens. Apparently Wine was complaining about the mess and how no one does anything. I dont think its that bad. We have a chore chart, it doesnt work. My washing up? A mug and spoon. All I eat are cup of soups and maybe a bowl here or there, Im too lazy to cook. I think to myself, "its not my mess, why should I clean it up?", then I think "when everyone cleans the bathroom and the loungeroom they clean up my mess, so I am being rather unfair". I dont know. I am too lazy really. I work everyday and the last thing I want to do is clean. I clean at work. I wish I could sit at home and surf the net and stuff. I work nearly full time and my hours are all over the shop. I work 6- close then dont go to bed for hours, I then sleep through most of the day.

I am going to start making more of an effort with the cleaning and shit though. If it makes everyone else happier :)

I dont want Rice to go, I understand his reasoning and such but he has been like my safe house so to speak since I moved to Newcastle 2 yrs ago. Who else can I barge in on at 6am off my face and have a conversation with every time? I enjoy living with him because I get home from work and he is awake. I have someone to talk, drink coffee and smoke with. Hes a good kid.

It could be months before he moves out but it still makes me sad.

In other news, Rainbow has a house to live in! One we can all hang out in! I hooked her up with a sweet room with sweet peeps. Fuck, I got connections. Honestly cant wait. She will be so much happier. Shes a short walk and free bus away! Still, would be mental if she lived with me. I love her so much because she would boot me up the arse and make me clean. The other day I was so stoned and she's like "Elly, if you dont go put the rubbish out you cant have a cone! The amount of time youve spent procrastinating you could have put it out and then smoked it already!". Shes a real catch for a best friend! :)

And in other news. Its not fair. Why do we always want what we cant have. I think I have forgotten or I am just exaggerating to give myself something to think about, I mean surely you arent that attractive. You are though. Its brilliant. I forget how to act so I come across all plain, vacant and boring. Its not fair. Its like having a school girl crush. I was sober this time, so I know I didnt have any sort of goggles on. You look good, really good. And interesting. And fun. I really dont even know you. Not really, Ive known you for a long time. A hell of a long time. I would like to know you. I think you would be fun to hang out and party with. I think that would be enough for me. I would never dream to ask of anything more. I know it wouldnt happen. And if something did I would probably run away because I wouldnt want to disappoint you.

I toy with the idea that the thought of you is more exciting than it actually would be in real life. Maybe you would be a shit cunt? I dont think so. I just cant believe how hot you are. You would have to be one of the most attractive people I have ever met.

true.

Everything will be ok in the end. I am, overall, having lots of super happy fun times. I enjoy work most of the time. I like sitting in my own loungeroom. I really only sleep in my room. Rice and Wine spend time in theirs. I much prefer the loungeroom. I have $25 dollars saved for my prklife ticket. I am not buying tailors now,just rollies. I need to save up some money for new tyres. I need a new pair of black skinnes so I can wear them to work. I dont actually own a pair anymore, just my gross ones with the giant hole in the crutch ^_^

Oh! As I was walking away today after a delivery-

boy 1- what are you doing?

boy 2- just checking her out.

Well, I hoped he liked what he saw. Pretty sure I had epic muffin top at the time.

The UV therapy and creams are helping too. My legs are still all gross and blotchy but there is hardly any flaky skins bits. And its not as itchy. By summer 09 I would like to go out in shorts. I can handle redness. Just not the icky bits. I no longer have to wear two stockings either and and and the other day I wore light grey stockings for the first time in months because the lesions werent overly visable through the stockings!

I have heaps more I could blab on about but Im not going to sit here all night. I have open today at 11am.

Ciao,

x

its love.

Wow.

Take me..

parklife 09

october 4th.

crystal castles, empire of the sun, art vs science, bertie blackman, la roux, tiga.

i am going. i cant not go. will be a brilliant day. going dressed as a japanese schoolgirl I think.

tickets go on sale on the 25th of june.

i cannot wait.

this is what i truely love to do.

take another drag, woman.

i dont really think i am lonely. its just in the wee small hours. i dont want to go to bed. im tired but still. oh im having a really fat day today. bear, where are you? just another 4. It wont be that hard. im bored. working 30 hours this week. i hate that i am most awake when other people are sleeping. i should stop napping during the day. i need someone totally on my level. my body clock is screwed. bah humbug! i daresay no one really wants to know all this stuff. getting my rags soon. bet you didnt want to know that either. im hungry. im always hungry. hungry for something. sleep. warmth. money. complanionship. freeing my mind. the total loss of self control.

hair affair.

couple of colours I have been over the past year and a half, maybe two years. My hair rarely stays the same colour long.



I am dying my hair. Im going grey. Yes, grey. Light ash grey on the top then black underneath with a few chunks of black in my fringe. The picture below is the lightest I have ever had my hair- a silver/white/purple, it was wonderful . Part of me wishes I didnt dye my hair dark now so it would be easier. I know it will go a festy orange colour. Dark plum to grey will take a while. I will deal with this accordingly. Bucketloads of toner and protein and moisture shakes for my hair! I could discuss hair all day long.

p.s- quit the service station. i am thrilled :)

lurkin.

so there are all these kiddies I who ive crossed paths with who have blogs (i discovered this when trawling the blogger just now). i was like "aww cool!" because i like reading about other people. its interesting. i go to hit the follow button then im like "woah what if they think im a weirdo or something when we hardly know each other?" then im thinking "what if they read my blog and decide things about me which i wouldnt like and do i really want people to know what i do?" Do I? At least I dont I do. maybe i do. i think i just want people to understand.
hang on a second, i then think "my life really isnt all that and more. they wouldnt read it anyway. why on earth would i think they would care anyway. its not like we really know each other. why should i care what people think?"
so i hit the follow privately button ... hahaha suckers!
i'll never tell.

if you havent seen the movie Hard Candy, you should watch it. Its a spin out.

6.48am

i should be asleep. really, i should. im too afraid i will sleep through my alarm. i really am that tired.
i have to drive to muswellbrook today to work. ive spent the morning talking to someone i dont know on msn and downloading tunes.
my neck is sore. i miss having coloured hair. pink hair to be exact. i will keep burning this candle at both ends for the moment. 2 weeks left at muswellbrook. two weeks. thank fucking god. ive smoked way to many cigarettes since three am when i brought my packet.
might go buy a V or four. i really am just too afraid to sleep. i dont know where my actual alarm clock is. the phone doesnt suffice anymore. i know i would wake up... because i have too. i am just afraid i wont. its irrational really. i go out all night, set my alarm when the suns rising and go to work. once i didnt get home till 6.30am, slept for two hours, then got up and drove to muswellbrook to work. I got home at 3am this morning and dont start till 4pm so i dont have to leave till 2. this is so stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid.
i dont even want to go.

current eargasm's include but are not limited to:
raindrops- basement jaxx
ive got friends- manchester orchestra
sticks n stones- jamie t
heart- bertie blackman
the girl and the robot- royksopp
counterpoint- delphic

as you can see, alot of jjj at the moment.
i have no computer.
the only shit i have on cd is amity, underoath, these arms are snakes and chiodos.
this will not do. i need my dance gavin dance.
maybe its time for me to purchase an album.
or download it all again.
or rape someones hard drive.
thats it. im putting an mp3 player on laybuy for myself. this simply will not do!

where she stops no body knows

work. drive. work. sleep. lost 100 dollars rent money after i left my wallet on the top of the car and drove away. work. drive. sleep. work. drive. sleep. giving the pub a rest. people ended up at our house after the pub and when we asked then to leave they started abusing us and kicking the door. talked to the police on acid. his face was a deep dark hole. work. sleep. drive. handing in resignation at servo today. made 25 duckets in tips on friday night. have started uv light therapy for my psoriasis. the thing that weighs you in my bathroom works again, i cannot remember what its called. the weighy thingy. i am sick. swine flu or common cold. who knows? my body is tired. called in sick at the servo today. worked at domino's instead. i am very lucky to work with some wonderful people. have all these things i wanted to go to. deerhunter, earth crisis and amity. i fear i havent the funds for any. am sposed to go to manning point with old school friends. i cannot afford to go away for a week. a whole week. i have to save up 200 rent money before i even start saving for the trip itself. i dont have a salary. i am a casual. i work hard for my money and its going to drop after i quit the servo too. i dont think i want to be away from my house that long either. i like my house. its a weird feeling. this attachment. Rainbow said if i bring her we can go halves in accomodation and only stay for like 3 days. i think this is a brilliant idea. i dont know if the others would like it though. i dont know if they want her there. if they would give her a chance. shes my best friend. i wasnt even sposed to tell her about it last year. its so juvenile really. time for another cigarette. i ate way to much pizza. i wish my computer worked. i borrow Rice's but its a pain in the arse cause i come on at horrible times like now. 3.30am. i hardly ever make use of the internets i am paying for. if my pc worked i totally would. mass downloading would ensue. as busy as i am, i am enjoying most things. lifes not easy but its definately interesting. i love living out of home and i love my friends. i hope that by quitting the servo i will be able to spend time with relatives and friends who i havent seen much like my cousins jenni and shell. i want to reconnect and touch bases with some old friends i haven't seen in the last couple of months. im trying to make new friends and get out of my comfort zone. its awfully difficult because 1) i am neither here nor there most of the time and 2)I am good at meeting people but not as good at making solid friends, i dont want to be too imposing or too keen/full on which probably makes me seem not as interested, i am terribly shy too which doesnt help and 3)i am either, atm, working or in the upper hunter. with one job, sure i will be busy but i will be able to do more things down here.
yes.

when the rabbit suddenly pulled out a pocket watch

I am sick today.
Crazy couple of days.
Got home at 12am wednesday night/thursday morning, my mum slept over, I went out to the pub for a look and shit. Ended up dumping a tab and a half, post pub at 3.30am. Went from hamilton to shortland and back to mayfield with a close friend of mine, Stop/Start. Tore up my throat with marlboro reds. Had an amazing time. Slept or was in a tunnel for about an hour, I dont really know which. Get to my house and the edges of my sight were still being licked by lsd. Got eviction letter from real estate at 10.30. Started work at 11am. Started freaking out. Was a mess at work. Get home and everythings ok again. Marijuana. Slept. Coughed. Sniffled. Sore throat. Slept. Worked. Slept. Everythings going to be fine.
Going to quit the service station.
Soon.
Sick of travelling.
Newcastle is my home.

Bunny

If I ever get a boyfriend and if he manages stick around for a while he can call me Bunny.
Not bunny boo or something, just bunny.
Its one of those "pet names". According to "romance class- learn to love online", "pet names are a part of the "language of love" that a couple builds, it is the cute nicknames or pet names the two create for each other. They are the soft terms of endearment that are whispered at the end of an evening, or chuckled during a phone call."
- angel, angel heart, baboo, baby, babydoll, cutiepie, cuddlecakes, doobie (HAHAHAHA), honey, loverboy/girl, muffin, pookie, stud muffin, sweetcheeks.
I dont know why I like this idea of being called bunny.
"Hey Bunny" "Want a cigarette Bunny?" "how are you Bunny?" " I love you Bunny" "Come on Bunny, we have to go in 5" "You're beautiful Bunny"
Its something we would share. No one else can ever call me Bunny.
Bunny.
I usually laugh at people who use such words in reference to a loved one. Sometimes it makes me feel rather sickly.
Yet here I am ranting about how I want to be called Bunny.
Maybe its because its the beginning of winter and its cold now, so the need to find a human size hotwater bottle is more urgent.
I will blame it on this wonderful weather. Snuggling under blankets weather. Cup-o-soup weather. Beanie and bum gloves weather. Long, hot shower weather. Stay in weather.
Warmth. It all has to do with warmth.
Everything.

ponstan

we have the nets at my house now.
hooray.
its easier to be honest with my self than everyone else. its always been this way.
people are their worst critic.
i am growing tired of the weekly treck to muswellbrook to work 3 shifts at the servo. the money is brilliant and i get to see my friends and family but newcastle is my home. i want to be there 24/7 instead of back in muswellbrook.
there are several things i do not like about the town. mostly, its "small town syndrome". people spend more time talking about others than themselves. its like a bigger, nastier version of high school in someways.
in muswellbrook people know me as that weird girl who has the crazy/pink hair at the bogas. i never rated much of a mention when i was at school. finished school then i piss bolted to newcastle.
then apparently i got "drug fucked", or at least thats what was said in muswellbrook. if any one really wanted to know what was going on, they just could have asked.
i moved back so i can save money and get well again. i didnt save any money. i spent it on piss, cigs, petrol and drugs. I am a class-a human being i tell you. in fact, after moving back, i even scored myself a rumour. how sweet is that! people know piss all about me then go and believe this jerk that i had sex with him. on my first weekend back too. i was so cranky when i got home i had the shakes, mum noticed (might have been too much alcohol too haha). i knew the moment i walked out that it didnt matter if something had happened, everyone would assume so anyway.
i also hate the way the sporting "elite" of the town are put on a pedestool by others which seems to increase their headsize but unfortunatly not their brain size.
i hate their pack mentality.
i hate them.
in general- cunts.
there i said it.
cunt. cunt. cunt. cunt. fuck you, you cunt.
and in other news-
i think the weirdest things sometimes.
when i drive i pretend i have lasers on my car and i am shooting other cars if they piss me off.
i talk to myself alot.
my mum just gave me ponstan for when i have period pain.
/rant

Effect and Cause

Lifes never been crazier,

Yet its never been better.

obsession

being a big fat emo.

1) I wish that I liked myself more.
2) I wish my psoraiasis would go away. Disgusting.
3) I wish I was thinner and smaller and prettier in general.
3) I wish Wine could see how wonderful he is.
4) I wish I had more money.
5) I wish I was more charismatic.
6) I wish I was better at making new friends.
7) Sometimes, I wish a good night out didnt involve the things it did.
8) I wish I coud drop one again and be soaring. Not 2 or 3.
9) I wish I had more clothes.
10) I wish my stomach would stop rumbling.
11) I wish I had you back. Self esteem.
12) I wish I could go out sober and not freak out and have a fun time.
13) I wish I could go back and hug you bye. I wish that alot.
14) I wish I liked you.
15) I wish I wasnt so unfocused.
16) I wish I had more drive to suceed and make something of myself.
17) I wish I could write again.
18) I wish I didnt think so much.
19) Sometimes, I wish I was a different person.

Potential, I think we start losing potential the moment we start to judge and depreciate ourselves or when others do this for us. I am not pointing fingers. I wont do anything about this. My mother tries, she tells me I used to be such a vibrant child, a leader. I wanted to do things, I achieved, I wasn't exceedingly clever or an elite sportsman, I was an all rounder. I used to take pride in things I did. I didnt get intimidated easily. I wasnt as scared of failing.
The thing is, I enjoy my life so so much. I have the best friends anyone could as for and my family is supportive to the bone. I enjoy being here.
Its confusing, I cant get the words out right. I dont want to come of sounding sorry for myself. It sounds that way though. I make sure people think I am ok. I look after others. I dont get looked after. I dont want to be looked after. My friends health and happiness is more important than mine, with out them I dont really have anything to give.
There are things I do like about myself and my life. I like that I care. I like that I have so much love for everyone. I have been told I care to much. I care more for others. And I like that I can drive.
Bah, Im just a little on edge at the moment.

its nothing really, this happens all time. usually when I am by myself.
its cyclic.

Really, with highs like mine there have to be some lows in there to level this bitch out.

Circles.

Circles.
There are so many things I loathe.
I'll run this body into the ground.

i love you

Yesterday It was a year since my beloved Nanna Sadie passed.

Little things set me off like finding something with her name or signature on it or random lines in songs.
It makes me sad that I'm back in newcastle and she's not here. I wonder whether my life would be different. I own alot of her things. Not a day goes by where something I am wearing belonged to her. I miss her dreadfully. She was my Nanna. The Matriarch of the family. My hero. My favourite relative. My favourite person in the whole world. It hurts, its still raw, as much as I pretend its not, it is.

I just wish she would come back. Tell me that she is proud of me, that she loves me, hug me and let me sit with her in her loungeroom reading Mills and Boon and drinking coffee with carnation milk and eating dark chocolate. We will make peanut butter balls and brownies. For dinner we will have macaroni cheese bake or spuds filled with baked beans. After tea we can watch television for a while, especially medical emergency/RPA and BBC shows. We will drink more coffee. Every week we will go shopping and you will buy things you will probably never wear just because. I will take you for drives around the lake. You will tell me stories about when you were young. It would be neat.

Really, all I want is a hug. A Nanna Sadie hug.
Its really not fair. I wish she would just come back. I will look after you. I will be better at everything. I will do more chores around the house and help you out. I just wish you could comeback.
I am greatful that I got to spend so much time with you.
It just feels like there is so much more you could have been here for. I dont know what but I wish you were here.

I dont even eat dark chocolate anymore.
I wish I dreamt of you.
Im so afraid I will forget the way you said my name.
I dont want to.
I dont want to forget you.
I dont think I ever can.

You are under my skin.
A part of me is you.

Its been a big month.

Uni drop out for the second time.
Second job- Pizza delivery
Have all the time but not the money to enjoy myself, I have a spankin' good go at it though.

Its been interesting. Near nakedness seems to be a new theme. Boogey hole and post cambridge spa's at Joker's. I have made 2 wonderful new friends- Watwat and Joker, through a wonderful chick, Stop/Start who I spent like 8 hours running round Fat As Butter handing hands with. I work with them all!

Leopard Print and I at the Cambridge on a wednesday.
My favourite day of the week- $3 Vodka raspberries. You get your real good nights out then you get the real dud ones. Lately its been about 50/50 but considering I hardly ever spend money when I am out (maybe $15 max)its been pretty ok. I just get loaded before I go anywhere and its all sweet. The pubs a 10 minute walk from my house! Friends usually come get crunk with us before the pub because of our central location and divine company hahahaha its a party house. We always have no loo paper on thursdays and its a bit of a mess.


I went to Hot Damn a couple of weeks ago. It was ok, would have liked it more if my friends went, my little brothers friends are lovely its just I am not that good at conversation and any charisma I once possesed seems to have disappeared down the shitter. I dont like this 10 minutes no service business either, every time I went that sign was up, I swear. I drank goon on the way down. The high light was smoking a jay in Hyde Park. Ohh I'm so rebellious. I saw my friends Laura and Michelle, who I met at the AFI gig in 2006. I have seen them once again since then. I was so delighted to see them. I met Laura in the bathroom and we did the whole screaming girl thing hahaha so we got our dance on. Also- I dont like that shitty little balcony you can smoke on and the stairs are evil. The train homes a bitch. Its cold and annoying. You feel like shit. I was the last to get off the train so I ended up with Hrae's shoes and someones stockings. Its a long night. Might take more doobies next time.


Tweedle dee's 21st was amazing. For me anyway.
You know I am really off my face when I start mass cam whoring. I was tripping for hours. A real space cadet I was. I had no depth/space perception, peoples faces where changing shape and I saw clocks and old wallpaper patterns (best way to describe it I guess) in the flooring. No sleep, then to work, then drove back to Newcastle.

Tweedle Dee had a splendid time, he cant even remember getting home. Some crazy shit went down and people got all cranky at one another. I knew what was going on, I figured it would sort itself out. I was in no state to argue anyway. I decided Daniel is my pokemon. Yes.


Although I am too lazy to fix/resize some photos, it was Stomp's 20th Birthday also, so we smoked way to many cones and drank too much goon and went to the cambo. I cannot remember much of it, tbh hehehehe

Before I start writing about my 20th birthday, I just want you to take note of these people in this photo. The boys are my housemates and the blonde is my very best friend, Rainbow. They really are soso special to me.

So, for my birthday we started partinging on Wednesday and went to the Cambridge. Thats all normal, here is the not normal bit- we actually brought peeps back to my house to keep partying. So many people. They were spread out through the house. We left the pub at 1am, the people dawdled of at about 4am. Then we played singstar. God I hate singstar, I pwn at it though. Spent what felt like hours talking to patty about turning 20 and life goals. Ha.

Awoke at 11am, took my new friend patty to work then home again. I open the door and RAINBOW was there! We share a birthday, its rather wonderful. She got her chest piece coloured. It looks sweet. Chilled Thursday then hit the shit after sundown. It was my birthday, I wasnt exactly the writhing heap I wanted to be but I put in a solid effort. Watwat, Joker and some friends of theirs came over and we ended up in the spa at Joker's later on. It was fine wandering round in nothing but your underwear until people walked out that were clothed. Then it gets a little weird hahahaha

This is my little brother, he has been hanging my house being a couch monkey while he is home from QLD. He likes goon and beer, if I am smoking he tries to grab it or he asks for one so he can chuck it away so I dont smoke it. I spose its his lovely way of looking after me. He was there for a little of my birthday, not really his scene though.

My friends Alice and Samboy made me a wonderful scrapbook for my birthday. I am so impressed and I feel so lucky. Its beautiful :)

It was a good birthday indeed :)


















Thats it till Groovinthemoo though, I need to save money for it. And my almost $200 dollar phone bill I got the other day.

blah

Amazed at how much I dont care.
I just find it funny.
Cant really believe it.
Meh!

Less then a month till my birthday.
I am not doing anything special.
Cambridge on wednesday probably then on thursday (my actual birthday) I was just going to get really off tap at home and chill.
Its less expensive than going to sydney which was the original plan.

Who knows how these things may change.

I have to go to cuntlink too.

GIVE ME MONEY BITCH!

I have a groovinthemoo ticket.
I am dressing up as a space girl.
I will be a total space cadet.
Pink bob wig and silver tunic, maybe a david bowie lightning bolt on my face, gumboots and shit.
Its going to be siq!

$$

I have been getting a solid 3 days work for the last couple of months.
They know my intention is to move permanently back to Newcastle.
They know I am renting down there.
They know I just got a car and have car insurance.
They know I travel back and stay with my parents to work for them.
they know I have been looking for work.

Why the fuck have they rostered me on for 6 hours per week for the next 3 weeks?
What the hell did I do wrong?
Thats $120 a week.
My rent is $100.
I could run my car for $20, I put $20 fuel I might get to muswellbrook and back (just) but then I have no money for bus/train to uni or food.

So now I have to ask my parents for money again.
I did not want to do this.
I had it all planned.
The Big O, Groovinthemoo.
Party Time.

Mum and I were arguing in the car last night. I havent been putting in enough effort in getting work. I didnt know work was going to do a dodgy on me. Ive applied online for stuff, handed in resumes around my house at servo's. She went on about something like I shouldnt think from cambridge wednesday to music festival to cambridge wednesday then back again. Its what I do, I festival hop as much as my bank balance allows, I dont have any other hobbies. I dont want any other hobbies. I dont think I will find anything that ever gives me as much joy as music and the atmosphere it creates. I enjoy life. Apparently because I dont talk about the not fun things, I dont even think about them. I do think about them. All the fucking time. I am always thinking about money and how much I will have for here or there. I cant really remember the conversation, I was tired.

Work had been consistently reliable with shifts. I never heard a bad word about my work.
I would have at least appreciated a little heads up so I knew. Fuck.

yesh.

so i dont know how long its been.
i cant really remember much.
it feels like all i ever do is drive, work and booze on. uni starts next week.

shit went hectic on wednesday night, we were going to go see bag raiders at the uni, i had to pay $10 to get in cause i havent got my student card. i was already being crazy because it was a year since my nan went in to hospital so i spent some time crying in the bathroom being emo. we got to the station then i changed my mind then people didnt want to buy tickets then i cried some more because rhys ran off somewhere. i felt like it was all my fault. it was, a bit. if id just kept my trap shut. so we went back. Mr Cakes was upset because it was the last wednesday of summer and we werent happy because his last summer was so shit- this was my fault. then Wine and Mr Cakes started talking about stuff and were raising there voices at each other and it was some pretty heavy shit. so then i started crying and yelled at them. i also yelled at Rice on the way home too, about summer and how shit it actually is. when Wine passed out on the floor and i went to the pub. it was pretty dead. i was wasted. so i hung out. smoked a million cigarettes. made out with steve cause im a drunk hussy. makes me laugh when im drunk. good kid. brought him back to my place. we drank goon and went to the servo for more ciggs. then stayed up talking about random shit. the only thing missing was the noodles. he always used to make me noodles, listen to me crap on about shit then put up with me passing out in his bed. woke up. hangover.

it was a weird night.
very... emotional. usually i only have happy emotions.
i got my $3 vodka raspberry.

Last night was much, much better.
Went for more goon. Rainbow was over! She called in sick, the sly dog. I miss her soso much. Stomp and Vege came down from the brook. Much goon and more than a few cones ensued. We watched american dad and listened to some tunes. pretty sure "sexy boy" by Air is one of y favourites. Apparently Mr cakes felt down because i told him to be quiet. He probably was being loud. I dont really remember now. I have a problem where stuff comes out in a sarcastic tone and i dont mean it too. Or I just have no tone at all. I must work on that.

Soundwave was amazing. Chiodos was amazing. The feeling I got from walking past all those sniffer dogs with nothing on my was amazing. Every Time I Die were amazing. Valium is amazing. Salut vodka lemon and lime was amazing.

ciao.

weekend.

was good.

saturday/sunday
-finished work @ 10ppm
-chickon Mignon @ 12am
-roast and marinated porkribs @4am
-horrid porn, which was obviously a 27 year old gaptoothed crack addict pretending to be a teen with pigtails and joggers on. She loved the cock but. Was funny.
-cabanossi
-police uniform
-triple j
-jatz
-beef jerky
-nearly a pack of cigarettes
-reading zoo to the boys in my not so sassy/sexy voice
-bed @ 7, up at 9 to work for 6 hours.

Good times.
We all got cards, my said-
"Codename: TANK GIRL
Director of Drug and Experimental Research Division
Head Feild Officer"

So as you could imagine I was well chuffed with mine.

Pashing boys and Lighting Fires.

Last night I dreamt I met Craig Owens.
I think I pashed him.
Happy Valentines Day or happy hallmark day!
I remember at school we used to be able to send a flower to someone and then on friendship day we could too. Its always been a bit of a non event for me. Maybe I care? I don't stress over the fact I am single and have spent most of my life this way. In fact, its much easier being single out of school than in school. It seemed like every second question was "Who do you like?" or "You got a crush on anyone?". Is it really that hard to believe that I didn't have a crush on anyone. I found none of the neolithic males at my school remotely attractive? I'm 15 for christs sake, show me a book where it says I have to like someone every second of my life for the next 5 years? I had friends who always had boyfriends, they boy-hopped so to speak. I guess it made them happy.
Growing up in a country town doesnt give one much interesting fodder to chew on.

Of course, its much harder now to even think about it. Perhaps if I had gotten all this self conscious bullshit out of my system in my youth (HAHA) then it would be easier. You see with school, some one always knows someone else, who knows someone else so you can get the dirt on who ever it may be so you have a small idea of what your getting yourself into. Out of school you meet people. Lots of people. And it works differently. The way relationships start, evolve.
Think about it.
It does.

Oh well.
As angsty as this could sound.
Its not ment to be.

.............................................................................................................

I hope its raining in Victoria at the moment. They need it. I cry every time its on the TV or when I read about it in the paper.
Its hard to believe its long a 10 hour drive from my house? Maybe a little more.
Such a waste of life.
And the animals?
The poor darlings.
Whole families.

Life is precious.

And think about it, what is Valentines Day compared to life and living?
Nothing really.

crystal castles.

Monday night was the wildest, most random, wonderful night of my life.

Caught the train to sydney.
Met more friends down there.
Star Bar had $3.50 so I had a few.
Saw Crystal Castles, it was amazing.
The Metro was packed. You honestly could not move.
It was insane.
When I figure out how to upload photos I will.
Went back with a friend to some random peoples house in Newtown.
Got sufficiently more off my face than I already was.
I spent the next day thinking to myself "what the fuck did I do last night?"
I know very well what I did.
I don't regret it.
Please note: Just to save my already failing grace I didnt have a blood orgy or a general pants round, roll on the ground orgy. I am afraid nothing as wicked as that happened.
I just managed to fry my brain in more ways than one.
Its not like these people were heaps seedy either, they weren't uncomfortable to be around, they were just genuine, honest people who loved to party and share experiences with other people. We chilled, mucked around and smoked about 4 packets of cigarettes between the 5 of us. It was fun.
It felt like one of those moments in movies were someone goes out and ends up at this party afterwards with people they dont know. Its just not as hectic as the movies were people get stabbed or raped after they take a cocktail of drugs and then shit hits the fan. It almost felt like a "Skins" moment. After all, we had seen Crystal Castles that night.
Then we left in the morning after not sleeping a wink. Waited for the bank to open. Got money. Caught train to Central Station and then to Newcastle again. I walked around all morning with one shoe off and my toe poking out the end of my stocking. People were looking at us funny. We thought they were funny.
I truely am thankful I met those people. Its weird to say. Yet I really am.
Slept on the train.
Home at 1.30pm.
Slept till 9pm.
One hell of a day.





Wont ever forget it though.

DMT.

DMT- dimethyltryptamine

Amazing.

hello blogger: take 2

Yes, it seems to be the current trend.
Having a blog.
Why not give it another go? There is no harm in it.
I had one from about halfway through year 11 to year twleve.
Then I deleted the bitch.
BAM!

I will gladly jump on any bandwagon that allows me to sit on my fat arse in front of a computer.

I didnt even know what to call myself.

My mum has a blog, she and and an extended group of friends all post and comment one another.
Oh, wow, how exciting.

Just so you know, I am not all that literate. I have very poor grammar and have horrible spelling sometimes. I will probably sound bogan. I try to avoid doing smiley faces. God help me if I try to post when I'm intoxicated.

Yes. Beware.

Only problem is, whilst I love writing I have a few qualms.
I am not used to talking abut myself.
Oh, I talk about myself but I dont really talk about myself.

So I believe this will turn into a mishmash where its up to you to sift the gold from the dirt.