i love you

Yesterday It was a year since my beloved Nanna Sadie passed.

Little things set me off like finding something with her name or signature on it or random lines in songs.
It makes me sad that I'm back in newcastle and she's not here. I wonder whether my life would be different. I own alot of her things. Not a day goes by where something I am wearing belonged to her. I miss her dreadfully. She was my Nanna. The Matriarch of the family. My hero. My favourite relative. My favourite person in the whole world. It hurts, its still raw, as much as I pretend its not, it is.

I just wish she would come back. Tell me that she is proud of me, that she loves me, hug me and let me sit with her in her loungeroom reading Mills and Boon and drinking coffee with carnation milk and eating dark chocolate. We will make peanut butter balls and brownies. For dinner we will have macaroni cheese bake or spuds filled with baked beans. After tea we can watch television for a while, especially medical emergency/RPA and BBC shows. We will drink more coffee. Every week we will go shopping and you will buy things you will probably never wear just because. I will take you for drives around the lake. You will tell me stories about when you were young. It would be neat.

Really, all I want is a hug. A Nanna Sadie hug.
Its really not fair. I wish she would just come back. I will look after you. I will be better at everything. I will do more chores around the house and help you out. I just wish you could comeback.
I am greatful that I got to spend so much time with you.
It just feels like there is so much more you could have been here for. I dont know what but I wish you were here.

I dont even eat dark chocolate anymore.
I wish I dreamt of you.
Im so afraid I will forget the way you said my name.
I dont want to.
I dont want to forget you.
I dont think I ever can.

You are under my skin.
A part of me is you.